andheretherebedragons asked: How are you doing? Like for real, not like the stupid thing where people ask as they're passing you and don't wait for an answer.
I appreciate the thoughtful question.
For the most part, my life’s been going really well. I’m happy because I know I’m being productive by attending the school I’ve always planned to be in, and I’m currently succeeding both at work and in my passions in life. Although I’ve been missing out on a few things that involve my friends or a few hobbies I’ve put aside, I can honestly say that I’m happy with my life.
I guess the only thing I lack is understanding how I can feel so apathetic with being alone, not necessarily loneliness. I mean, it’s just because no matter how many friends I have or genuinely interact with, for some reason I still feel so isolated.
I don’t think I’m sad about it and maybe it’s because I’m so occupied with all the things I’m doing in my life as of now. Now I sound like I’m contradicting everything I’ve said from the start, haha.
How are you?
Send me a message.
Ask me something and let’s converse.
It was the dumbest way to ever release what I’ve been feeling and have kept to myself for so long. I allowed myself to get to the point of making it seem as if I was desperate for that person to just know. I’m not that kind of person, or at least I can admit to not be that way anymore. I won’t beg, run towards anyone, or seek for sympathy and aim to be the center of attention.
I guess it just made me realize how long it’s been for me to actually be completely vulnerable and open to someone. My friends are afraid to open up to me at times and admit that they fear that I’d easily judge them or speak up so bluntly and be so hurtful. Even my co-workers tell me that I’m mostly so bitter or apathetic at work, but I try to put on this facade as if I’m always so happy. I just hate that I’m always misunderstood, especially with how I really feel towards other people. I guess it’s also my fault because I have a hard time explaining or showing my care for everyone or a particular person. It’s always been like that ever since the past. She never understood why I really left, she never really knew why I made the choices I did. Even until now, I still feel so regretful and broken despite all the blessings I received through this past year. It’s been a while since I’ve really felt genuinely kind and happy. I’ve gotten used to putting up a wall and trying not to care, that I’ve hurt many people along the way.
I want to know how it feels like again. Whatever it is I’m even seeking for.